Disregard the previous

Normally I would delete the previous post because it is no longer relevant...and out of embarrassment, but instead, I think I'll keep it there as a reminder to myself of how much I overreact and how much I only look at situations from my own point of view.

Things are better. Actually things are WAY better. Borderline fantastic. I almost cried I was so relieved and happy.

Thank goodness college has changed me.

Since when was this MY fault?

I feel like shit. I hate it when people play the victim and flip everything back around on you.

This wasn't my fault, so I don't know why I let you make me feel like it was.

Don't be surprised if this hinders our friendship because I'm pissed right now. I don't see what I did wrong.

I'm so over dealing with this.

April, May, June

I love this time of the year because this is when all of the fun stuff happens.  All of  Tomo's and Jodaiko's hard work comes to fruition with Cultural Night and Invitational.  The newbie Campus Reps train and study and create a new family.  There's so much going on during the Spring.  It's so exciting.

And yes, I hate this time of the year.  After spending a whole year getting to know people better and strengthening bonds and connections, it's time for graduation. I don't know why, but I've always made friends with older people. It's just how I've functioned socially since my freshman year of high school.

You would think I would have learned by now, but clearly, I haven't, since a few of my closest friends are graduating in just a few weeks.

Tonight is Semi, and as excited as I am for the new year, especially now that I'm on cabinet, I can't help but look to my night as being incredibly bittersweet.

I guess I'll have to make the best of things, because I'm going to be doing this for at least two more years.

I hate the nature of college friendships.

I'm a gymnast

That is, I got a tumblr. I TUMBL, FOOL.

I'll still use this for my thoughtful stuff where I figure things out, though.

Basically, Blogger = thoughts.  Tumblr = random shit I find and want to pass on....or like short stuff.



R2B :)   -   This is exciting? I'm really looking forward to things right now. Also, WOOO 50th post.

Jishin, you rock my world!

Today I went to go see CSUN's taiko group, Jishin, put on their Spring Concert.  Since I saw them perform at Invitational last year, I've always really admired them.  They're a relatively unknown group in the ITC community, I think, and certainly underrated.  Their passion for taiko really pours out of their bodies, off the stage, and into the souls of the audience.  It really made me miss my old taiko days (partially because I miss being able to perform at that level with other people at that level, and partially because they played a few songs I used to play that I really miss).  I wish the rest of Jodaiko had seen them perform, because I think it would have been a HUGE wake up call for a lot of them.



R2B :)   -   I REALLY want to play taiko.  I want to play all of the old songs I learned and continue learning new songs.  I want to write another song in the future, and I want to share my passion with others.  That is why I play.

Limbo

"There is a period between each night and day when one dies for a few hours, neither dreaming nor thinking nor tossing nor hating nor loving, but dying for a little while because life progresses in just such a way.  From that sublime depth, a stranger awakens to strain his eyes into focus on the walls of a strange room.  Where am I? he asks himself.  There is a fleeting sound of lonely panic as he juggles into order the heavy, sleep-laden pieces of his mind's puzzle.  He is frightened because the bed is not his own.  He is in momentary terror because the walls are clean and bare and because the sounds are not the sounds of home, and because the chill air of a hotel room fifteen stories above the street is not the same as the furry, stale warmth of a bedroom occupied by three and pierced by the life-giving fragrance of bacon and eggs sizzling in a pan down below.  Then he remembers that hi is away from home and smiles smugly as he tells himself that home is there waiting for him forever.  he goes to the window, expands his chest, and stretches his arms to give vent to the magnitude of his joys upon being alive and happy and at home in a hotel room a hundred miles away, because home is as surely there as if he never left it."




R2B :)   -   Actually reading for once and finding beauty in a passage such as this.

Neurosis

There are some times where I just wonder why my brain works the way it does.  Damn grey matter always screws me over.


R2B :)   -   Today worked out better than I hoped it would.

Self loathing

WHAT THE FUCK.

R2B :)   -   none.

To do:

- Find a way to distract myself from my thoughts.




R2B :)   -   Today was certainly an interesting day.

Huh....

Well that certainly wasn't how I expected things to go.  Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel sort of empty....like I don't really have anything left.  I sort of feel swept to the side and like I'm just...here.  It's a weird feeling.  I thought I would feel like the world's been lifted off my shoulders like I did last time.  I thought I would feel happy to have had the courage to speak up.  I thought I would feel some closure.

But to be honest, I don't really feel anything.  I just feel kind of numb after that.

Maybe it's because I went from having two to having zero in a span of a few hours.  It's left me feeling a bit hopeless, honestly.  But I'll try to stay optimistic and say that this feeling is just one of those late-night feelings when my mind goes crazy with random, irrational thoughts.




R2B :)   -   I'm getting better about opening up, even if I still can't do it in person.