Disregard the previous

Normally I would delete the previous post because it is no longer relevant...and out of embarrassment, but instead, I think I'll keep it there as a reminder to myself of how much I overreact and how much I only look at situations from my own point of view.

Things are better. Actually things are WAY better. Borderline fantastic. I almost cried I was so relieved and happy.

Thank goodness college has changed me.

Since when was this MY fault?

I feel like shit. I hate it when people play the victim and flip everything back around on you.

This wasn't my fault, so I don't know why I let you make me feel like it was.

Don't be surprised if this hinders our friendship because I'm pissed right now. I don't see what I did wrong.

I'm so over dealing with this.

April, May, June

I love this time of the year because this is when all of the fun stuff happens.  All of  Tomo's and Jodaiko's hard work comes to fruition with Cultural Night and Invitational.  The newbie Campus Reps train and study and create a new family.  There's so much going on during the Spring.  It's so exciting.

And yes, I hate this time of the year.  After spending a whole year getting to know people better and strengthening bonds and connections, it's time for graduation. I don't know why, but I've always made friends with older people. It's just how I've functioned socially since my freshman year of high school.

You would think I would have learned by now, but clearly, I haven't, since a few of my closest friends are graduating in just a few weeks.

Tonight is Semi, and as excited as I am for the new year, especially now that I'm on cabinet, I can't help but look to my night as being incredibly bittersweet.

I guess I'll have to make the best of things, because I'm going to be doing this for at least two more years.

I hate the nature of college friendships.

I'm a gymnast

That is, I got a tumblr. I TUMBL, FOOL.

I'll still use this for my thoughtful stuff where I figure things out, though.

Basically, Blogger = thoughts.  Tumblr = random shit I find and want to pass on....or like short stuff.



R2B :)   -   This is exciting? I'm really looking forward to things right now. Also, WOOO 50th post.

Jishin, you rock my world!

Today I went to go see CSUN's taiko group, Jishin, put on their Spring Concert.  Since I saw them perform at Invitational last year, I've always really admired them.  They're a relatively unknown group in the ITC community, I think, and certainly underrated.  Their passion for taiko really pours out of their bodies, off the stage, and into the souls of the audience.  It really made me miss my old taiko days (partially because I miss being able to perform at that level with other people at that level, and partially because they played a few songs I used to play that I really miss).  I wish the rest of Jodaiko had seen them perform, because I think it would have been a HUGE wake up call for a lot of them.



R2B :)   -   I REALLY want to play taiko.  I want to play all of the old songs I learned and continue learning new songs.  I want to write another song in the future, and I want to share my passion with others.  That is why I play.

Limbo

"There is a period between each night and day when one dies for a few hours, neither dreaming nor thinking nor tossing nor hating nor loving, but dying for a little while because life progresses in just such a way.  From that sublime depth, a stranger awakens to strain his eyes into focus on the walls of a strange room.  Where am I? he asks himself.  There is a fleeting sound of lonely panic as he juggles into order the heavy, sleep-laden pieces of his mind's puzzle.  He is frightened because the bed is not his own.  He is in momentary terror because the walls are clean and bare and because the sounds are not the sounds of home, and because the chill air of a hotel room fifteen stories above the street is not the same as the furry, stale warmth of a bedroom occupied by three and pierced by the life-giving fragrance of bacon and eggs sizzling in a pan down below.  Then he remembers that hi is away from home and smiles smugly as he tells himself that home is there waiting for him forever.  he goes to the window, expands his chest, and stretches his arms to give vent to the magnitude of his joys upon being alive and happy and at home in a hotel room a hundred miles away, because home is as surely there as if he never left it."




R2B :)   -   Actually reading for once and finding beauty in a passage such as this.

Neurosis

There are some times where I just wonder why my brain works the way it does.  Damn grey matter always screws me over.


R2B :)   -   Today worked out better than I hoped it would.

Self loathing

WHAT THE FUCK.

R2B :)   -   none.

To do:

- Find a way to distract myself from my thoughts.




R2B :)   -   Today was certainly an interesting day.

Huh....

Well that certainly wasn't how I expected things to go.  Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel sort of empty....like I don't really have anything left.  I sort of feel swept to the side and like I'm just...here.  It's a weird feeling.  I thought I would feel like the world's been lifted off my shoulders like I did last time.  I thought I would feel happy to have had the courage to speak up.  I thought I would feel some closure.

But to be honest, I don't really feel anything.  I just feel kind of numb after that.

Maybe it's because I went from having two to having zero in a span of a few hours.  It's left me feeling a bit hopeless, honestly.  But I'll try to stay optimistic and say that this feeling is just one of those late-night feelings when my mind goes crazy with random, irrational thoughts.




R2B :)   -   I'm getting better about opening up, even if I still can't do it in person.

RROOOAAARRRRR!!!!

I still can't believe that this happened. I am still so in awe that this happened. Being on stage was so surreal.  It wasn't even until after Modern 2 went on that I had my "HOLY SHIT it's Cultural Night!" moment.


I am so thankful that the people in my song worked so hard throughout the year. Cultural Night honestly could not have gone better for me.  I am SO happy with how things turned out, and I am SO SO SO SO proud of everyone in my song (and everyone else in Jodaiko too).


This is honestly the best experience I've ever had with the group. I love this group so much.


Thank you to Lauren, Trisha, Leah, Andrew, Phillip, Masa, Doug, and Craig for making my dream become a reality.

RROOOAAARRR!!!

R2B :)   -   Roaring.

A few pegs

To be truthful, yes, I was upset for a few days over it.  I was angry.  I didn't understand.  I disagreed.  I hurt.

But again, to be truthful, this was something I needed.  To be knocked down a few pegs, that is.  Too long have I been riding on the coat tails of past successes and triumphs.

This year has been full of struggles for me.  I lost all focus and motivation for school.  I was incredibly frustrated with something I loved.  Life told me "no."  And especially when compared to last year, this year has been exceptionally difficult.  Last year I was 3/3.  This year, I'm 0/1.  I went from a perfect "win" record to a perfect "loss" record.  At least, loss in the sense that I was not successful.

But in retrospect, I think I still have a perfect success record so far. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I have learned quite a bit.  I may not have been successful in the sense that I achieved what I set out to do, but I have been successful in the sense that I have learned and grown.

So yeah.  Immediately after reading that email, I was upset.  Shit, shock, and horror.  My confidence was shattered.  But in the passing time, I have realized things about myself that I never would have known.

For one thing, I have a very clear answer to the first question.  "Why do you want this?"  I focused too much on the staff.  Last year when we had to decorate our folders, one person simply wrote "remember why you're here."  I looked back on my experiences and reevaluated myself.  Why was I there?  What made me want to do it in the first place?  The first time around, it wasn't about the staff.  It wasn't about the title.  It wasn't about the fun or the growth. It was about them.  The intended beneficiaries.

I asked myself what it was that made me so upset.  It wasn't that I felt insulted or anything, or any less valuable.  It wasn't that I was jealous.  It wasn't that I was FOMO (yes, FOMO).  I realized that I was upset because I missed the freshmen.  I missed the halls.  I missed the raw energy.  I missed the lack of sleep and bringing my sleeping bag every time even though I didn't even use it until TLO.  I missed hearing "it's not about TFO or TLO.  It's about TOO."  This wasn't about me.  It wasn't about the staff.  It wasn't about families or events.

I think if I hadn't been turned down, I would have been a poor choice for the position.  If I hadn't been turned down, I wouldn't know why I was doing it.  If I hadn't been turned down, I would have done a bad job and been incredibly selfish.  If I hadn't been turned down, I wouldn't feel like there's still SO much room to grow.

So I would like to thank the coords, not for accepting me and giving me the opportunity of a lifetime, but for turning me down and for showing me why I wanted the opportunity so badly.

R2B :)   -   I might be back on a regular sleep schedule soon!

Quips of Wisdom

"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more."


- Jules Renard






R2B :)   -   Isn't it obvious?

This

"I'm really glad to hear you're doing ok. Sometimes doing ok is better than doing great - it means you'll be progressively moving back up towards being great in no time!"


How is it that some people can so easily see the beauty in life when others cannot?




R2B :)   -   Deep conversations late at night about anything and everything.

I have a short atten---what?

Finals make me realize how much I suck at being a student.



R2B :)   -   After today, I'll only have one final for this quarter! WOOOO. It's the final final (if you sing that last sentence to the tune of Final Countdown, you win).

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I woke up today shaking. Decisions were supposed to come out.

And after hours of agonizing, I received the email saying that I was not going to be staffing for the summer of 2010.  But it's okay.  Despite how badly I wanted the position, I'm okay. I know that it's not my time, and should I choose to apply again, then I'll have that much more experience to bring to the program.

For now though, I'll hold my head high and look forward to whatever comes my way next.  :)

Thanks for the amazing year, Royal. I love you, and I know those of you who will be returning are going to blow minds and touch lives.




R2B :)   -   Seeing my friends overjoyed at the opportunity they've just been given.  Seeing my friends comforting each other for the opportunity they just missed.  Knowing that minds will be blown and lives will be changed once again this summer, and being able to watch it happen from the outside.

Frustrated with myself

This quarter has been full of struggle for me (and I don't just mean in my extra curricular activities).

I've realized that the deeper I find myself in college, the less motivated I am to do work.  I enjoy going to class and listening to lectures for the most part, but I am not motivated at all to do any of the work outside of class. I don't mind taking notes (which, granted, are usually word-for-word from the powerpoint), but I just can't find the focus to complete an assignment.

To put things in perspective, fall quarter last year, I got two As (one should have been an A+, I did so well) and a B+.  Papers were so easy. I could crank out an A paper in maybe two hours.  This past quarter, I think I got 4 Cs (some plus, some minus) and a B.  This quarter, I haven't turned in a single assignment on time.  I never even wrote the paper for my Asian American studies class, and my psych paper is almost a week late (it's a really easy paper too).

I don't know what's up with me lately.  I don't know why I can't focus.  I don't know why I'm so unmotivated.  I just can't seem to find the energy in me to focus.  If I turn off the internet on my computer, then I find myself doodling or thinking about shit that's going on in Jodaiko, or something else that's pissing me off.

Perhaps I'm having a hard time concentrating and getting work done because I am so distracted by my thoughts.  I am unhappy with the current state of Jodaiko, and my pessimism toward the group is translating into negativity into other aspects of my life.  Hopefully my one-on-one will help clear some of this baggage, because I really cannot afford to continue on this path.



R2B :)   -   Closure on an issue that's been bothering me for a week.

What do you do?

What do you do when the very thing you love most is what is currently causing you the most frustration?



R2B :)   -   DAMN my song looked GOOOOOD on Friday! Good job my little dragons!

Tabula Rasa?

My mind has been surprisingly free of clutter lately.  I like it.  I can hear myself think.



R2B :)   -   Magical Gemstones. I love my song.

Semi-permeable Membrane

One of the best feelings in the world is when you find out you share some sort of connection with someone.  It doesn't have to be a new person.  It can be an old friend, a friend you don't know that well, or a complete stranger.

As Tammy so eloquently said, "it's amazing how some people connect so well."

I love it when you get closer to someone who you consider a friend, but you honestly don't know them that well.  I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately, and it's made me realize that maybe I do put up walls.

I've realized lately that I have a lot of friends, but I don't have a lot of close friends. I had close friends in high school, but I've since lost contact with a lot of them. When I go home and hang out with them, it's like things never changed.  I think I have yet to make some really close bonds with people here in Irvine, but I think that's starting to change.

I've always been scared to approach people.  It was one of my biggest struggles over the summer, and I still fight with that fear.  I hate randomly IMing people when I don't really have anything to say.  I'm no good at small-talk, so I hate IMing people with a simple "hey, what's up?"  I never know what to say after that.

You know how there are certain people in your life who you really want to get to know better, but you just don't know what to say to them?  I feel like my buddy list is full of those people.  Hopefully that number will begin to shrink.



So I guess this is a reminder to myself to be a bit more adventurous with people?





R2B :)   -   Thanks to a close friend, I have rediscovered my love for Jason Mraz's music.

I miss baseball

Sometimes, you meet someone whose face you really want to smash in with a bat.



R2B :)   -   Jodaiko tomorrow.

I did it

I pressed the button.  Here we go.




R2B :)   -   This weekend. Monday.

When the Student becomes the Teacher...

The teacher can't help but feel a sense of joy and pride.

Soumar, my spopper.....this girl is GOING PLACES.  I'm so proud.

Soumar: kelvin!

Me: hey!

Soumar: hey i had a few questions about campus reps

Soumar: because im pretty pretty sure i got a PAID! internship on campus

Soumar: but i still really want to do campus reps

Soumar: and i just wanted to know how time consuming it is... because i think id be really good at it and id enjoy it

Soumar: but im not sure if im going to be able to dedicate a lot lot lot of time to it.

Me: it's honestly not that time consuming

Me: the most time consuming thing is trainings

Soumar: which are thursdays from 4-7

Soumar: and those are next quarter

Me: yeah

Soumar: which im planning on NOT taking 19 units! lol

Me: other than that, all that's required is checking in on Wednesdays, which takes as long or short as you want

Me: and uhh.....spring retreat

Me: which is on a weekend

Soumar: ok sweet

Soumar: that sounds good

Soumar: for my internship im gonna be giving campus tours of the science dept to like jr high kids

Me: that's awesome!

Soumar: and then over the summer i get to work at like an aquarium or a science center

Soumar: and its SO GOOD omg the pay is amazinggg

Me: that is PERFECT experience for being a campus rep

Soumar: over the summer i work 120 hrs and get paid $2000

Soumar: PLUS!

Me: WOW

Soumar: an extra $600 for summer school tuition!

Me: NICE!

Soumar: and winter/spring quarters i get $250 each for 20 hours

Me: wow!

Me: so thats awesome

Me: I'm so proud of you!

R2B :)   -   It's not obvious?!

It just hit me.

And it really is as simple as I've been told.



I feel so enlightened all of a sudden.

...all of a sudden? all of the sudden? I never knew how to actually write that phrase.



R2B :)   -   Knowledge is power.

I'm copying Tammy

I'm watching 500 Days of Summer right now.  I both love and hate this movie.

It's probably one of my favorite movies.  But I hate it because it reminds me of a painful time in my life.


I think it's good to have reminders like that, though. It reminds you where you come from.



R2B :)   -   Remembering where I came from.

The hardest thing, Pt. 2

The fact that I'm freaking out so much over this tells me I'm not ready yet.


I'll give it a few more days, though.




R2B :)   -   I finally remembered to put this in before posting.  Practice tonight (including a collab with Hawaii club)!  Escaping into the music.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done

I've been staring at it for two days, and I can't even fathom responding to the questions.  I literally don't know where to start.  My brain is such a clusterfuck.  I just can't seem to find the right words.  Or any words, really, which, honestly, is almost never the problem.



Perhaps it's not my year.


Or maybe I'm just thinking too much and not listening to what my heart's telling me.  Or maybe I'm just a bad translator. I never was good at learning other languages.



R2B :)   -   I keep forgetting to put these in, but at least I remember to go back and edit later.  Naps.  Spending time with good friends at Spectrum today.

Passion

I just want to play taiko until my hands bleed. I don't care how tired I get. I just need to escape into the rhythms.



R2B :)   -   I'm actually enjoying classes this quarter.

"Jetto Kousuta"

My life was a roller coaster today.

I woke up at 11 and immediately thought, "OH SHIT! I have to table for C-Reps today, and I'm going to be late!"  And then after that, I thought, "OH SHIT! SPOP applications open today!"

When I finally got to campus, I found out tabling was cancelled, so I headed to the SPOP information session to serve as a panelist (as per Doris's suggestion).  It was fun. A few people came by, but not many. Basically, it ended up being a SPOPtic.

But then when everyone left, Ramon and Michael and I decided to get something to eat. That was when things turned bad.  I drove us to Subway.  Long story short, I rear ended a girl because I didn't catch my brakes fast enough.

And I'm fucking pissed.  I can't believe I let that happen.  Luckily, no one was hurt (or at least, at the time, everyone said they were fine).  Right now, the hood of my car doesn't lock shut. Ramon's solution? My belt.

It's ghetto, but it will work for the time being.




Fuckin' rain.

I'm so not looking forward to dealing with insurance and repair companies and shit over the next few weeks.




But anyway, I'm going to start ending my blogs with the following statement:


R2B :)   -    "______________________"

It stands for "Reason(s) to be happy."  It's an old feature my student government used to do. Every morning, we made a poster with something random that would hopefully make people happy. Sometimes it was a sports win.  Sometimes it was something as simple as the word "Cheerios."

It always made me smile, though.




R2B :)   -   Rain, Tomo Volleyball victory, and Albatros from last night with a close friend.

Today's the day

Let's rock this shit.

Beautiful Year, Round 2?

Everyone says "you'll know when it's time."

I've got nine days to figure it out.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Lately I've been feeling a bit lost.


I think this will be the quarter where I find myself again...




At least, I'm hoping it will be.