A few pegs

To be truthful, yes, I was upset for a few days over it.  I was angry.  I didn't understand.  I disagreed.  I hurt.

But again, to be truthful, this was something I needed.  To be knocked down a few pegs, that is.  Too long have I been riding on the coat tails of past successes and triumphs.

This year has been full of struggles for me.  I lost all focus and motivation for school.  I was incredibly frustrated with something I loved.  Life told me "no."  And especially when compared to last year, this year has been exceptionally difficult.  Last year I was 3/3.  This year, I'm 0/1.  I went from a perfect "win" record to a perfect "loss" record.  At least, loss in the sense that I was not successful.

But in retrospect, I think I still have a perfect success record so far. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but I have learned quite a bit.  I may not have been successful in the sense that I achieved what I set out to do, but I have been successful in the sense that I have learned and grown.

So yeah.  Immediately after reading that email, I was upset.  Shit, shock, and horror.  My confidence was shattered.  But in the passing time, I have realized things about myself that I never would have known.

For one thing, I have a very clear answer to the first question.  "Why do you want this?"  I focused too much on the staff.  Last year when we had to decorate our folders, one person simply wrote "remember why you're here."  I looked back on my experiences and reevaluated myself.  Why was I there?  What made me want to do it in the first place?  The first time around, it wasn't about the staff.  It wasn't about the title.  It wasn't about the fun or the growth. It was about them.  The intended beneficiaries.

I asked myself what it was that made me so upset.  It wasn't that I felt insulted or anything, or any less valuable.  It wasn't that I was jealous.  It wasn't that I was FOMO (yes, FOMO).  I realized that I was upset because I missed the freshmen.  I missed the halls.  I missed the raw energy.  I missed the lack of sleep and bringing my sleeping bag every time even though I didn't even use it until TLO.  I missed hearing "it's not about TFO or TLO.  It's about TOO."  This wasn't about me.  It wasn't about the staff.  It wasn't about families or events.

I think if I hadn't been turned down, I would have been a poor choice for the position.  If I hadn't been turned down, I wouldn't know why I was doing it.  If I hadn't been turned down, I would have done a bad job and been incredibly selfish.  If I hadn't been turned down, I wouldn't feel like there's still SO much room to grow.

So I would like to thank the coords, not for accepting me and giving me the opportunity of a lifetime, but for turning me down and for showing me why I wanted the opportunity so badly.

R2B :)   -   I might be back on a regular sleep schedule soon!

Quips of Wisdom

"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more."


- Jules Renard






R2B :)   -   Isn't it obvious?

This

"I'm really glad to hear you're doing ok. Sometimes doing ok is better than doing great - it means you'll be progressively moving back up towards being great in no time!"


How is it that some people can so easily see the beauty in life when others cannot?




R2B :)   -   Deep conversations late at night about anything and everything.

I have a short atten---what?

Finals make me realize how much I suck at being a student.



R2B :)   -   After today, I'll only have one final for this quarter! WOOOO. It's the final final (if you sing that last sentence to the tune of Final Countdown, you win).

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I woke up today shaking. Decisions were supposed to come out.

And after hours of agonizing, I received the email saying that I was not going to be staffing for the summer of 2010.  But it's okay.  Despite how badly I wanted the position, I'm okay. I know that it's not my time, and should I choose to apply again, then I'll have that much more experience to bring to the program.

For now though, I'll hold my head high and look forward to whatever comes my way next.  :)

Thanks for the amazing year, Royal. I love you, and I know those of you who will be returning are going to blow minds and touch lives.




R2B :)   -   Seeing my friends overjoyed at the opportunity they've just been given.  Seeing my friends comforting each other for the opportunity they just missed.  Knowing that minds will be blown and lives will be changed once again this summer, and being able to watch it happen from the outside.

Frustrated with myself

This quarter has been full of struggle for me (and I don't just mean in my extra curricular activities).

I've realized that the deeper I find myself in college, the less motivated I am to do work.  I enjoy going to class and listening to lectures for the most part, but I am not motivated at all to do any of the work outside of class. I don't mind taking notes (which, granted, are usually word-for-word from the powerpoint), but I just can't find the focus to complete an assignment.

To put things in perspective, fall quarter last year, I got two As (one should have been an A+, I did so well) and a B+.  Papers were so easy. I could crank out an A paper in maybe two hours.  This past quarter, I think I got 4 Cs (some plus, some minus) and a B.  This quarter, I haven't turned in a single assignment on time.  I never even wrote the paper for my Asian American studies class, and my psych paper is almost a week late (it's a really easy paper too).

I don't know what's up with me lately.  I don't know why I can't focus.  I don't know why I'm so unmotivated.  I just can't seem to find the energy in me to focus.  If I turn off the internet on my computer, then I find myself doodling or thinking about shit that's going on in Jodaiko, or something else that's pissing me off.

Perhaps I'm having a hard time concentrating and getting work done because I am so distracted by my thoughts.  I am unhappy with the current state of Jodaiko, and my pessimism toward the group is translating into negativity into other aspects of my life.  Hopefully my one-on-one will help clear some of this baggage, because I really cannot afford to continue on this path.



R2B :)   -   Closure on an issue that's been bothering me for a week.

What do you do?

What do you do when the very thing you love most is what is currently causing you the most frustration?



R2B :)   -   DAMN my song looked GOOOOOD on Friday! Good job my little dragons!